Falling Off The Wagon

Alright, so maybe falling off the wagon isn't really an appropriate term here. What is worse than falling off the wagon? Getting back up and running away from the wagon? Yes, that is probably the best way to define my summer. I was blogging, I was eating healthy, and I was working out --- and then I just gave up. I told myself it was okay to indulge (like I always do) since I had earned it by hitting the 20 pound mark. And then I just gave up.

I could blame it on the food --- but I was eating in an on-campus cafeteria and could have easily had a sandwich prepared for me.
I could blame it on the long hours --- but I still had adequate time to exercise on my days off.

It was pure, unadulterated laziness.

But today is the end of it. And I am going to own my mistakes. I am not going to change the weight on the side, other than to reflect how much I weigh today. I want my 15 pound summer spike to be a reminder to me of what slipped away from me, and a challenge to me over the next few weeks.

Please wish me luck as I jump back on the wagon. Please wish me luck as I attempt to take on the return of RPS training and work (which is filled with pizza and unhealthy options) while remaining consistent with my eating and exercising.

And ultimately, please wish me luck that I can somehow, someway finally beat this and get healthy.

Twenty!

I have officially lost 20 pounds!

It has been a long road since January when I weighed in at 210 and decided it was time to make a life change. But after jumpstarting my weight loss with Weight Watchers, and now following the diet plan and workout schedule at Next Generation Personal Training, I have finally found my footing. I feel strong. I haven’t felt this strong in a while. I have been eating healthy, exercising regularly and pushing myself even when I would rather sit on my butt (which looks fabulous, btw).

190 pounds is still far from my goal. But when I consider the fact that I am ¼ of the way there, I realize how much work I have actually done. And 190 feels pretty damn good.

March Madness. And No, I Am Not Talking About Basketball

It has been a month since my last post and lets be honest --- the last month has been madness.

My grandmother Collett passed away on March 6th. Danny and I flew back to Southern California on the first weekend of Spring Break for her funeral. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful chance to see the Collett family. If only it had been under different circumstances. While we were at home, I was able to see my friend's brand new baby, grab tacos with our best friends, and spend incredible quality time with the Collett family. 

The day after the funeral, Danny and I caught a flight from Los Angeles to NYC for our already planned Spring Break trip. We met up with Jordan and Cheyenne (Danny’s siblings), who drove up from the Naval Academy in Annapolis, and Jordan’s girlfriend Lauren, who flew in from California. It was a fantastic Spring Break. We stayed at an apartment in Brooklyn, celebrated Cheyenne's 19th birthday, and laughed---a LOT. I was even able to catch up with a friend from California who is currently doing her grad work at NYU!!

Danny and I flew home from New York on Thursday of Spring Break, and on Friday morning I left with Orientation for 3 days to attend the NODA Regional Conference in Terre Haute, where I presented an educational session and participated in the case study competition (which I won!). It was a really great experience, and I was able to begin developing relationships with the student leaders in that office. (And I bought some super dope Canada mittens!)

It was an amazing month. But now, it is the beginning of April, and I am still at 15 pounds lost. I have spent the last month floundering --- saying I was going to exercise, saying I was going to eat better, saying I was going to be the healthy person I want to be --- but not doing it. Weight Watchers was a great start for me, but I have decided to move on to a more intentional and intensive program.

On Monday I start a boot camp at Next Generation Personal Training and Fitness. A colleague of mine has lost 50-something pounds over the past few months going to their center and following their diet plan. She eats healthy, she exercises hard, and she has seen results. Now, it is my turn.

I thought it might be a good idea to get moving BEFORE my boot camp starts so I don’t look like a total fatty. Danny and I worked out with one of my RAs this week doing circuit training. All I will say is this: my fat ass is waaaay out of shape, and this boot camp is going to WORK ME OVER! Lets do this!

Oh, and one final note --- I completed the 30 Day Water Challenge successfully!! I didn’t have any Diet Coke for 40 days (I did more than the planned number of days to support my husband’s choice to stop drinking alcohol) and even now, I am still avoiding DC for the most part. My water intake has stayed high, not a gallon a day but well over 64 ounces. And I feel great.

I can’t wait to get moving on Monday! Wish me luck in my next steps!

Goodbye to the Sickness

Danny and I love to eat. And I mean love to eat. (I feel like there are not enough bolds, italics or underlines to emphasize how much we love to eat.)

When something good happens, we go out and celebrate. When either of us are going through something, we eat to feel better. We grew up in Southern California, having some of the most amazing food at our fingertips. Our friends are foodies. Danny’s best friend is a chef (a phenomenal chef). And we travel often to places that boast fine cuisine.

Everything about our world involves food.

One thing (other than my food addiction) that has always kept me from making a change to my eating habits is what it would do to my ability to experience. Experience life, experience fine things, experience the world. If Danny and I like to go out to dinner, what will eating small portions and staying away from fried/fattening food do to our date nights? We are going to New York for Spring Break… will we really be able to have fun without being able to eat lots of pizza and bagels and Italian food?

Even now, as I write this, I realize how sick it sounds. And that is exactly what it is --- a sickness. My world should not revolve around food. My mood, or planning a trip, or going out on dates should not be dictated by what I want to eat. But it has. Because food has been there for me.

When my dad failed to show up time, after time, after time… food brought me happiness.

When I watched all of my friends begin dating during high school and I remained on the sidelines… food brought me consolation. 

When I felt rejection after rejection during college because I didn’t fit the “good Christian” mold… food brought me comfort.

Food is one of my oldest friends, and it is hard to let go. It is incredibly difficult to change behaviors that have been present for twenty-something years. But the major thing I have been reminding myself of recently is how wonderful my life is now, as opposed to the times when I tried to eat my feelings away.

My relationship with my dad, while still imperfect, is healthier because of choices I have made. 

I am married to the absolute most incredibly, honorable, kind, loving man I have ever known. 

And I have found work and friendships that make me feel purposed and valued.

I am taking advantage of this time as an opportunity to change my habits. I am saying goodbye to the sickness that has ruled my life for so long. No more basing what I eat on what I feel. Because if I can’t make the change now, when everything is better than I ever could have imagined --- how will I handle it when things are not so wonderful?

I am happy to say that after my weigh-in this morning I have officially lost over 15 pounds! I have a lot my work to do, and lot more sweat and counting points and choosing not to go out to dinner... but I am excited about seeing the transformation I am beginning to feel.

Green Is My Favorite Color!!!

This isn't really a post, just a comment about the fact that my supervisor bought me a gorgeous Camelbak water bottle for my birthday!!! So now I won't have to go through 4-dozen water bottles every week in my attempt to complete my water challenge. Not only is the bottle green, but I am also being green by using it... yay sustainability!!!

5 Months - A Reflection on Life and Working with Students

Today marks five months since a student in my building committed suicide, and he has been on my mind regularly over the past few weeks. His name was Matthew and he died on September 28, 2011. I didn’t know him at all, but his death changed my life.

That day was probably the most traumatic experience I have ever had. I was dizzy and lightheaded and at certain points felt like I couldn’t breathe. I did everything I could, but he had been gone too long by the time I reached him. I sat for nearly an hour in a burning hot shower, just sobbing. It was horrible. It was absolutely the most horrible day of my life.

I don’t normally talk about my faith with many people. It has become deeply personal to me and I have had a lot of struggles. But during a serious bout of depression when I was younger, I came across a verse that has been a light to me during my darkest times.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

This verse brought me through times of self-doubt, of heartbreak and disillusionment, of fear, of suicidal thoughts, of worry, of feeling worthless and hopeless. Any time I have been able to step back and remember that I have a purpose, I have made it through whatever obstacle felt insurmountable.

Like all of the other young students that began college in 2011, Matthew had a full life ahead of him. But unlike most of those other students, he felt like his life was not worth living and chose to end it. My soul aches to know that there are other students I live and work with that feel the same way. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could make a list for them of all of the things in their lives that are worth living for. I wish I could show them my battle scars and let them know someone knows how they feel. I wish I could wrap them in my arms and kiss their wounds. 

Many people wouldn’t want to deal with the possibility of student deaths in their line of work. But I found that my passion for working with students increased substantially after Matthew’s death. The reality is that I can’t fix everything (I probably can't fix most things). But I can be intentional about the work that I do, about showing students that I interact with that they are valued, and loved, and that their lives have meaning. I have a purpose, and Matthew’s passing solidified that purpose --- his death changed my life. 

Finding A Way

My recent obsession with Pinterest has led me to find a adorable outfit combos, ideas for vacation locations, and new motivational and inspirational quotes (as well as laugh out loud ridiculous images of crazy animals and children). The quotes have been my favorite part so far, and the image below represents my new motto.

My life has been filled with excuses. Excuses for why I am not exercising. Excuses for why I am not going to church. Excuses for why I am not doing my homework or eating healthier or putting everything I have into getting what I want. I’m busy. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I don’t want to miss my show or get up early or work harder. These excuses have ruled my life, and yet I still wonder why I am not thinner or happier or accomplishing what I want.

If being fit, and thinner and sexy is really important to me, I will do what it takes to get healthy. And it IS important. So, it is time to get rid of the excuses.

In the spirit of “finding a way,” I have identified the fact that I thrive under pressure and when presented with a challenge. This only way to ensure that I will actively pursue my goal of getting healthy is to create a challenge for myself. And here it is: I will run a 5K this summer.

It might seem too simple. But as a healthy and fit high school cross-country runner, my fastest 5K time was 23 minutes. Training to get back to that is going to be HELL, especially considering that I am 10 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and incredibly sedentary (plus, I have tootsie roll sized legs that cause me to move incredibly slowly). But this is something I want to do for me.

I am currently trying to decide between Outrun the Sun (outrunthesun.org) on June 2 in Indianapolis, and the Midnight River Run (wvrr.org) on July 27 in Terre Haute. Obviously I would have more time to train for the Midnight River Run, but July 27 is right in the thick of Indiana humidity, while the June 2 Outrun the Sun race might still be fairly cool but I lose almost two months of potential training.

Who knows if anything will become of this? I may absolutely hate this experience and determine that running has never and will never be for my shorty legs, and pursue cycling instead. Or I may be so in love with the experience that continuing to train for future marathons might become a hobby.

Either way, I will be actively pursuing better health and happiness.

On a completely separate note, I turned 25 today! Officially, my year of fitness has begun!!!

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

The past two days have been a reminder that changing my lifestyle is not as hard as it sounds... It's harder. There are moments when I feel healthier – like I am taking a step forward. My skin feels tighter and my jeans feel loose. My neck doesn’t feel as puffy. And then there are moments like today, where I revert to my default habits and take three incredibly delicious steps back.

ONE STEP FORWARD: I haven't had any Diet Coke in two days and I have been incredibly blessed to not have any headaches. I have been drinking what has felt like an obscene amount of water, but it has been far from my goal. 64oz Monday and 80oz Tuesday. While this is an amazing step in the right direction considering the fact that I never usually drink water --- EVER --- I am still frustrated by my inability to complete the challenge I have set for myself. Ultimately, I must come to the realization that it isn’t actually about drinking a gallon a day, but is instead about changing my habits to reflect better choices. And let me tell you, after pee-ing constantly all day long, I feel like a champ for drinking all that water.

Look at what a Champ I am!!!

 THREE STEPS BACK: Working in Student Affairs means working evenings with students. Students tend to show up to programs when food is provided, and oftentimes that food includes pizza, cookies, candy or all of the above. Last night, at an LGBT Panel Discussion put on by two RAs in my building, I was a little bit of a piggy. I knew I only had one Weight Watchers point left for the day. I knew I would regret my decision. And the moment I finished eating the third slice (yes, three – I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it is better to be truthful) I felt like a terrible person. Resisting temptation is my greatest weakness. I can usually steer clear of eating junk if I steer clear of junk. But when it is right there in front of me, flaunting its cheesy goodness and smelling all delicious, how can I resist?

The one amazingly good thing I can take away from my foodie faux pas is that I was eager to start anew today. My old reaction to a night of binge eating would be to assume that it was worthless to continue trying to be healthy and just keep eating. “Might as well really enjoy myself and start anew next week,” I would say. Well, NOT TODAY. Today I got right back on that horse. Today I took charge of the situation.

Maybe this shows that I am learning. Maybe this really is the start of a new me! My moment of indulgence on cheesy goodness wasn’t for nothing. I have to put in the work and suffer the consequence of those extra calories, but I also learned that I can take charge of my weight loss if I want to.

So maybe last night, there were only two steps back J

The 1-Month / 1-Gallon Challenge (or, When Jillian Kicked Her Diet Coke Habit)

I am a Diet Coke addict.

I don’t mean soda, I don’t mean diet drinks, and I don’t include Diet Pepsi in this group. When I ask a restaurant server for a Diet Coke and they do that thing (you know that thing) where they tilt their head to the side, pop the hip a little bit, scrunch their nose and say “Diet Pepsi okay?” --- when they do this, I want to say “No… it is NOT okay.” I feel assaulted when they ask me if Diet Pepsi is okay. When I go into a gas station intent on filling up a Super Guzzler to the brim from the fountain machine only to find a case with bottled sodas, my heart literally sinks --- a Diet Coke from the fountain machine is obviously 10 million times better than a pre-packaged bottle! How do people not see this!? If someone asked me what one material item I would take with me if I was deserted on a desert island, I would reply “A Diet Coke fountain machine with an unlimited supply of Diet Coke.”

I say again, I am a Diet Coke addict.

In my efforts to challenge myself, and my addictive personality (to Diet Coke, to emotional eating, to cigarettes, to television) I have decided that today is Day One of releasing myself from the clutches of Diet Coke. I was recently inspired to remove Diet Coke from my life by a colleague who has lost 170-something pounds in the past two years. He spent that entire time actively choosing not to drink Diet Coke because he felt it would get in the way of his goal.

Well, props to Dan for his strength, but I will not be giving up Diet Coke for two full years or for the entire duration of my weight loss journey. But I have realized recently that the one thing majorly missing from my life (besides vegetables) is H20!! How can I possibly think that I will get healthy if I am not replenishing my body? So, today is Day One of what I am calling the “1-month / 1-Gallon Challenge.” I will not be drinking any Diet Coke until March 20th (yes, this includes my 25th birthday AND the entirety of my trip to NYC for Spring Break). I will instead be doing my best to drink 1-gallon of water per day for the next 30 days. To many people, 1-gallon seems like a LOT. This means drinking a regular sized bottle of water about 6 times a day. Sounds a bit easier, right? Hopefully, this challenge will not only jumpstart my weight loss and help my face not be so puffy (it is so gross right now) but also get me in the habit of drinking water regularly.

To my co-workers, classmates, student leaders – anyone who sees me on a regular basis – I ask that you remind me of my goal often and with urgency. While I do not hold anyone by myself responsible for completing this challenge, I do hope that those around me will be supportive and helpful.

Oh, Diet Coke --- I miss you already. But being healthy and felling sexy will taste so much better than you do.

Countdown to 25 (T-minus 6 Days)

I am fat.

I am not saying this for sympathy. I am not saying this out of a desire for people to tell me I am beautiful. I know I am beautiful. I am saying this because at 5’3” and just under 200 pounds, I am obese and I need to make a lifestyle change to better my future. In six days, I will be 25 years old. I have struggled with my weight for nearly 15 years when I first started to eat based on my fluctuating emotions.

No more.

Here are some things you should know about me before we get into the nitty-gritty of what Weighing In is all about:

I am an incredibly happy person living, working and attending graduate school at Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. My graduate program includes a live-in work requirement in a residence hall and is incredibly time consuming and exhausting, and also includes a free meal plan for on-campus dining (my constant temptation). My shiny new husband and I were married in June 2011. His name is Danny, and he is my constant support. We are both Southern California natives accustomed to an incredible variety of cuisines and food options, and Bloomington has been slightly disappointing (“very disappointing” if you ask Danny) in the culinary department, so Danny cooks a lot of delicious and fattening food to attempt to replicate what we don’t have in town.

Now --- weight loss.

I have always felt like my weight has held me back from enjoying life as much as possible. It is time for that to end. I am married to the man of my dreams and I am pursuing a career that makes me feel purposeful. I want my body, health and fitness to also be a reflection of the wonderful life I am living.

Weighing In is a blog that will allow me a space to reflect on my weight loss experience. I am currently enrolled in Weight Watchers and have lost 13 pounds (my original weight was 210 pounds) in 6 weeks. I know I can do this --- I know I can make a change and can do the work to finally get where I want to be.

Currently, I weigh 197 pounds, wear a size 16 pant, and I am busting out of a 38D bra. I would like to weigh 130 pounds, wear a size 6 pant, and have much smaller breasts (these bad boys get in my way all the time). After a lot of research, I believe 130 is a completely acceptable and healthy weight for my height and body type.

So, now what? I will continue on Weight Watchers, which has been helpful so far. I will also be going to the gym frequently to ensure that I am staying active.

This is going to be a struggle. This is going to be an incredible challenge. But my 25^th birthday is in six days, and I want this year of my life to mean something. I want this year to be when I fought to feel sexy for my amazing husband. I want this year to be the time when I fought to get my mindset right for my future children. And I want this year to be the year I can look back on and say, "That was the year I changed my life."