Hungry, Hungry, Hungry

Okay, so I have been super hungry over the last week. Hungry to the point that I asked my husband not to purchase anything that could be considered snackable, because I would eat. it. all.

I know I am not under-eating. I am getting plenty of calories and losing weight slowly. An average of 2-3 pounds a week, which is on par with healthy standards.

Any suggestions on how to deal when you want to eat everything in sight?

Rewards

I hit my first 5 pound mark. I thought it would feel better, but I am struggling to believe that I can actually do this. I struggle knowing I have made promises to myself that I have not kept. I struggle fearing I have made promises to myself I cannot keep.

I've been thinking about ways to reward myself that don't involve food. The problem is that I don't like many of the things most women enjoy. I won't want to go shopping for new clothes. I won't want new jewelry, or makeup. The only thing remotely feminine I can think of is getting a pedicure, or getting my hair cut and colored.

Any suggestions on ways to reward myself for milestones?

At the Beginning ... Again

I can't count the number of times I have started a weight loss or diet plan. I have felt like I was obese since I was in junior high, and have been a yo-yo dieter ever since. I started this blog in January 2012 as a way to push myself to eat better, workout and just make better choices in general. I was at 210 pounds when I started, and was able to lose 20 pounds in 4 months. I was strong, happy, working hard.

And then I became wrapped up in my internship. In school projects. In the job search. In the moving process. In the new job phase. And I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I didn't exercise or put focus into being healthy. I made excuses. Those 20 pounds slowly crept back on, followed by an additional 12. And I sit here now, writing this, at what feels like a monstrous 222 pounds. For several months, a small part of me has thought defiantly to myself, "Why does it matter if I am this big?"

But two weeks ago, my dad died. I can't even express in words how my perspective on the world has been changed. 

About a month after I graduated from Indiana University, my dad called to tell me I needed to get my act together. To point out how horribly I was eating and how important it was for me to get healthy. I thought it was going to be just another fight - a fight where my dad was going to do what he wanted, even if it damaged our relationship.

But then he said some of the things I needed to hear the most. He told me how happy he was about me graduating with my master's degree... how jealous he was about my amazing relationship with my husband, Danny. He told me he was proud of me - something I didn't hear enough from him growing up. He said these things and then said, "I know you want to make a difference - I know you ARE making a difference in the lives of the students you work with. Think about how your health impacts that. When you eat better, you have more energy, more positivity - you will be able to do the job you already do well THAT much better."

I appreciated his words, but didn't put much thought into them until this week. Now that he is gone, I feel like I have to make this change. I have to eat better, get healthy. And not just for me. For my dad.

I am embarrassed to be back here, larger than I was before, starting a "lifestyle change" all over again. But everyone has to start somewhere, even if it is back at the beginning... again.

Falling Off The Wagon

Alright, so maybe falling off the wagon isn't really an appropriate term here. What is worse than falling off the wagon? Getting back up and running away from the wagon? Yes, that is probably the best way to define my summer. I was blogging, I was eating healthy, and I was working out --- and then I just gave up. I told myself it was okay to indulge (like I always do) since I had earned it by hitting the 20 pound mark. And then I just gave up.

I could blame it on the food --- but I was eating in an on-campus cafeteria and could have easily had a sandwich prepared for me.
I could blame it on the long hours --- but I still had adequate time to exercise on my days off.

It was pure, unadulterated laziness.

But today is the end of it. And I am going to own my mistakes. I am not going to change the weight on the side, other than to reflect how much I weigh today. I want my 15 pound summer spike to be a reminder to me of what slipped away from me, and a challenge to me over the next few weeks.

Please wish me luck as I jump back on the wagon. Please wish me luck as I attempt to take on the return of RPS training and work (which is filled with pizza and unhealthy options) while remaining consistent with my eating and exercising.

And ultimately, please wish me luck that I can somehow, someway finally beat this and get healthy.

Twenty!

I have officially lost 20 pounds!

It has been a long road since January when I weighed in at 210 and decided it was time to make a life change. But after jumpstarting my weight loss with Weight Watchers, and now following the diet plan and workout schedule at Next Generation Personal Training, I have finally found my footing. I feel strong. I haven’t felt this strong in a while. I have been eating healthy, exercising regularly and pushing myself even when I would rather sit on my butt (which looks fabulous, btw).

190 pounds is still far from my goal. But when I consider the fact that I am ¼ of the way there, I realize how much work I have actually done. And 190 feels pretty damn good.

March Madness. And No, I Am Not Talking About Basketball

It has been a month since my last post and lets be honest --- the last month has been madness.

My grandmother Collett passed away on March 6th. Danny and I flew back to Southern California on the first weekend of Spring Break for her funeral. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful chance to see the Collett family. If only it had been under different circumstances. While we were at home, I was able to see my friend's brand new baby, grab tacos with our best friends, and spend incredible quality time with the Collett family. 

The day after the funeral, Danny and I caught a flight from Los Angeles to NYC for our already planned Spring Break trip. We met up with Jordan and Cheyenne (Danny’s siblings), who drove up from the Naval Academy in Annapolis, and Jordan’s girlfriend Lauren, who flew in from California. It was a fantastic Spring Break. We stayed at an apartment in Brooklyn, celebrated Cheyenne's 19th birthday, and laughed---a LOT. I was even able to catch up with a friend from California who is currently doing her grad work at NYU!!

Danny and I flew home from New York on Thursday of Spring Break, and on Friday morning I left with Orientation for 3 days to attend the NODA Regional Conference in Terre Haute, where I presented an educational session and participated in the case study competition (which I won!). It was a really great experience, and I was able to begin developing relationships with the student leaders in that office. (And I bought some super dope Canada mittens!)

It was an amazing month. But now, it is the beginning of April, and I am still at 15 pounds lost. I have spent the last month floundering --- saying I was going to exercise, saying I was going to eat better, saying I was going to be the healthy person I want to be --- but not doing it. Weight Watchers was a great start for me, but I have decided to move on to a more intentional and intensive program.

On Monday I start a boot camp at Next Generation Personal Training and Fitness. A colleague of mine has lost 50-something pounds over the past few months going to their center and following their diet plan. She eats healthy, she exercises hard, and she has seen results. Now, it is my turn.

I thought it might be a good idea to get moving BEFORE my boot camp starts so I don’t look like a total fatty. Danny and I worked out with one of my RAs this week doing circuit training. All I will say is this: my fat ass is waaaay out of shape, and this boot camp is going to WORK ME OVER! Lets do this!

Oh, and one final note --- I completed the 30 Day Water Challenge successfully!! I didn’t have any Diet Coke for 40 days (I did more than the planned number of days to support my husband’s choice to stop drinking alcohol) and even now, I am still avoiding DC for the most part. My water intake has stayed high, not a gallon a day but well over 64 ounces. And I feel great.

I can’t wait to get moving on Monday! Wish me luck in my next steps!

Goodbye to the Sickness

Danny and I love to eat. And I mean love to eat. (I feel like there are not enough bolds, italics or underlines to emphasize how much we love to eat.)

When something good happens, we go out and celebrate. When either of us are going through something, we eat to feel better. We grew up in Southern California, having some of the most amazing food at our fingertips. Our friends are foodies. Danny’s best friend is a chef (a phenomenal chef). And we travel often to places that boast fine cuisine.

Everything about our world involves food.

One thing (other than my food addiction) that has always kept me from making a change to my eating habits is what it would do to my ability to experience. Experience life, experience fine things, experience the world. If Danny and I like to go out to dinner, what will eating small portions and staying away from fried/fattening food do to our date nights? We are going to New York for Spring Break… will we really be able to have fun without being able to eat lots of pizza and bagels and Italian food?

Even now, as I write this, I realize how sick it sounds. And that is exactly what it is --- a sickness. My world should not revolve around food. My mood, or planning a trip, or going out on dates should not be dictated by what I want to eat. But it has. Because food has been there for me.

When my dad failed to show up time, after time, after time… food brought me happiness.

When I watched all of my friends begin dating during high school and I remained on the sidelines… food brought me consolation. 

When I felt rejection after rejection during college because I didn’t fit the “good Christian” mold… food brought me comfort.

Food is one of my oldest friends, and it is hard to let go. It is incredibly difficult to change behaviors that have been present for twenty-something years. But the major thing I have been reminding myself of recently is how wonderful my life is now, as opposed to the times when I tried to eat my feelings away.

My relationship with my dad, while still imperfect, is healthier because of choices I have made. 

I am married to the absolute most incredibly, honorable, kind, loving man I have ever known. 

And I have found work and friendships that make me feel purposed and valued.

I am taking advantage of this time as an opportunity to change my habits. I am saying goodbye to the sickness that has ruled my life for so long. No more basing what I eat on what I feel. Because if I can’t make the change now, when everything is better than I ever could have imagined --- how will I handle it when things are not so wonderful?

I am happy to say that after my weigh-in this morning I have officially lost over 15 pounds! I have a lot my work to do, and lot more sweat and counting points and choosing not to go out to dinner... but I am excited about seeing the transformation I am beginning to feel.