5 Months - A Reflection on Life and Working with Students

Today marks five months since a student in my building committed suicide, and he has been on my mind regularly over the past few weeks. His name was Matthew and he died on September 28, 2011. I didn’t know him at all, but his death changed my life.

That day was probably the most traumatic experience I have ever had. I was dizzy and lightheaded and at certain points felt like I couldn’t breathe. I did everything I could, but he had been gone too long by the time I reached him. I sat for nearly an hour in a burning hot shower, just sobbing. It was horrible. It was absolutely the most horrible day of my life.

I don’t normally talk about my faith with many people. It has become deeply personal to me and I have had a lot of struggles. But during a serious bout of depression when I was younger, I came across a verse that has been a light to me during my darkest times.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

This verse brought me through times of self-doubt, of heartbreak and disillusionment, of fear, of suicidal thoughts, of worry, of feeling worthless and hopeless. Any time I have been able to step back and remember that I have a purpose, I have made it through whatever obstacle felt insurmountable.

Like all of the other young students that began college in 2011, Matthew had a full life ahead of him. But unlike most of those other students, he felt like his life was not worth living and chose to end it. My soul aches to know that there are other students I live and work with that feel the same way. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could make a list for them of all of the things in their lives that are worth living for. I wish I could show them my battle scars and let them know someone knows how they feel. I wish I could wrap them in my arms and kiss their wounds. 

Many people wouldn’t want to deal with the possibility of student deaths in their line of work. But I found that my passion for working with students increased substantially after Matthew’s death. The reality is that I can’t fix everything (I probably can't fix most things). But I can be intentional about the work that I do, about showing students that I interact with that they are valued, and loved, and that their lives have meaning. I have a purpose, and Matthew’s passing solidified that purpose --- his death changed my life. 

Finding A Way

My recent obsession with Pinterest has led me to find a adorable outfit combos, ideas for vacation locations, and new motivational and inspirational quotes (as well as laugh out loud ridiculous images of crazy animals and children). The quotes have been my favorite part so far, and the image below represents my new motto.

My life has been filled with excuses. Excuses for why I am not exercising. Excuses for why I am not going to church. Excuses for why I am not doing my homework or eating healthier or putting everything I have into getting what I want. I’m busy. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I don’t want to miss my show or get up early or work harder. These excuses have ruled my life, and yet I still wonder why I am not thinner or happier or accomplishing what I want.

If being fit, and thinner and sexy is really important to me, I will do what it takes to get healthy. And it IS important. So, it is time to get rid of the excuses.

In the spirit of “finding a way,” I have identified the fact that I thrive under pressure and when presented with a challenge. This only way to ensure that I will actively pursue my goal of getting healthy is to create a challenge for myself. And here it is: I will run a 5K this summer.

It might seem too simple. But as a healthy and fit high school cross-country runner, my fastest 5K time was 23 minutes. Training to get back to that is going to be HELL, especially considering that I am 10 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and incredibly sedentary (plus, I have tootsie roll sized legs that cause me to move incredibly slowly). But this is something I want to do for me.

I am currently trying to decide between Outrun the Sun (outrunthesun.org) on June 2 in Indianapolis, and the Midnight River Run (wvrr.org) on July 27 in Terre Haute. Obviously I would have more time to train for the Midnight River Run, but July 27 is right in the thick of Indiana humidity, while the June 2 Outrun the Sun race might still be fairly cool but I lose almost two months of potential training.

Who knows if anything will become of this? I may absolutely hate this experience and determine that running has never and will never be for my shorty legs, and pursue cycling instead. Or I may be so in love with the experience that continuing to train for future marathons might become a hobby.

Either way, I will be actively pursuing better health and happiness.

On a completely separate note, I turned 25 today! Officially, my year of fitness has begun!!!

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

The past two days have been a reminder that changing my lifestyle is not as hard as it sounds... It's harder. There are moments when I feel healthier – like I am taking a step forward. My skin feels tighter and my jeans feel loose. My neck doesn’t feel as puffy. And then there are moments like today, where I revert to my default habits and take three incredibly delicious steps back.

ONE STEP FORWARD: I haven't had any Diet Coke in two days and I have been incredibly blessed to not have any headaches. I have been drinking what has felt like an obscene amount of water, but it has been far from my goal. 64oz Monday and 80oz Tuesday. While this is an amazing step in the right direction considering the fact that I never usually drink water --- EVER --- I am still frustrated by my inability to complete the challenge I have set for myself. Ultimately, I must come to the realization that it isn’t actually about drinking a gallon a day, but is instead about changing my habits to reflect better choices. And let me tell you, after pee-ing constantly all day long, I feel like a champ for drinking all that water.

Look at what a Champ I am!!!

 THREE STEPS BACK: Working in Student Affairs means working evenings with students. Students tend to show up to programs when food is provided, and oftentimes that food includes pizza, cookies, candy or all of the above. Last night, at an LGBT Panel Discussion put on by two RAs in my building, I was a little bit of a piggy. I knew I only had one Weight Watchers point left for the day. I knew I would regret my decision. And the moment I finished eating the third slice (yes, three – I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it is better to be truthful) I felt like a terrible person. Resisting temptation is my greatest weakness. I can usually steer clear of eating junk if I steer clear of junk. But when it is right there in front of me, flaunting its cheesy goodness and smelling all delicious, how can I resist?

The one amazingly good thing I can take away from my foodie faux pas is that I was eager to start anew today. My old reaction to a night of binge eating would be to assume that it was worthless to continue trying to be healthy and just keep eating. “Might as well really enjoy myself and start anew next week,” I would say. Well, NOT TODAY. Today I got right back on that horse. Today I took charge of the situation.

Maybe this shows that I am learning. Maybe this really is the start of a new me! My moment of indulgence on cheesy goodness wasn’t for nothing. I have to put in the work and suffer the consequence of those extra calories, but I also learned that I can take charge of my weight loss if I want to.

So maybe last night, there were only two steps back J

The 1-Month / 1-Gallon Challenge (or, When Jillian Kicked Her Diet Coke Habit)

I am a Diet Coke addict.

I don’t mean soda, I don’t mean diet drinks, and I don’t include Diet Pepsi in this group. When I ask a restaurant server for a Diet Coke and they do that thing (you know that thing) where they tilt their head to the side, pop the hip a little bit, scrunch their nose and say “Diet Pepsi okay?” --- when they do this, I want to say “No… it is NOT okay.” I feel assaulted when they ask me if Diet Pepsi is okay. When I go into a gas station intent on filling up a Super Guzzler to the brim from the fountain machine only to find a case with bottled sodas, my heart literally sinks --- a Diet Coke from the fountain machine is obviously 10 million times better than a pre-packaged bottle! How do people not see this!? If someone asked me what one material item I would take with me if I was deserted on a desert island, I would reply “A Diet Coke fountain machine with an unlimited supply of Diet Coke.”

I say again, I am a Diet Coke addict.

In my efforts to challenge myself, and my addictive personality (to Diet Coke, to emotional eating, to cigarettes, to television) I have decided that today is Day One of releasing myself from the clutches of Diet Coke. I was recently inspired to remove Diet Coke from my life by a colleague who has lost 170-something pounds in the past two years. He spent that entire time actively choosing not to drink Diet Coke because he felt it would get in the way of his goal.

Well, props to Dan for his strength, but I will not be giving up Diet Coke for two full years or for the entire duration of my weight loss journey. But I have realized recently that the one thing majorly missing from my life (besides vegetables) is H20!! How can I possibly think that I will get healthy if I am not replenishing my body? So, today is Day One of what I am calling the “1-month / 1-Gallon Challenge.” I will not be drinking any Diet Coke until March 20th (yes, this includes my 25th birthday AND the entirety of my trip to NYC for Spring Break). I will instead be doing my best to drink 1-gallon of water per day for the next 30 days. To many people, 1-gallon seems like a LOT. This means drinking a regular sized bottle of water about 6 times a day. Sounds a bit easier, right? Hopefully, this challenge will not only jumpstart my weight loss and help my face not be so puffy (it is so gross right now) but also get me in the habit of drinking water regularly.

To my co-workers, classmates, student leaders – anyone who sees me on a regular basis – I ask that you remind me of my goal often and with urgency. While I do not hold anyone by myself responsible for completing this challenge, I do hope that those around me will be supportive and helpful.

Oh, Diet Coke --- I miss you already. But being healthy and felling sexy will taste so much better than you do.

Countdown to 25 (T-minus 6 Days)

I am fat.

I am not saying this for sympathy. I am not saying this out of a desire for people to tell me I am beautiful. I know I am beautiful. I am saying this because at 5’3” and just under 200 pounds, I am obese and I need to make a lifestyle change to better my future. In six days, I will be 25 years old. I have struggled with my weight for nearly 15 years when I first started to eat based on my fluctuating emotions.

No more.

Here are some things you should know about me before we get into the nitty-gritty of what Weighing In is all about:

I am an incredibly happy person living, working and attending graduate school at Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. My graduate program includes a live-in work requirement in a residence hall and is incredibly time consuming and exhausting, and also includes a free meal plan for on-campus dining (my constant temptation). My shiny new husband and I were married in June 2011. His name is Danny, and he is my constant support. We are both Southern California natives accustomed to an incredible variety of cuisines and food options, and Bloomington has been slightly disappointing (“very disappointing” if you ask Danny) in the culinary department, so Danny cooks a lot of delicious and fattening food to attempt to replicate what we don’t have in town.

Now --- weight loss.

I have always felt like my weight has held me back from enjoying life as much as possible. It is time for that to end. I am married to the man of my dreams and I am pursuing a career that makes me feel purposeful. I want my body, health and fitness to also be a reflection of the wonderful life I am living.

Weighing In is a blog that will allow me a space to reflect on my weight loss experience. I am currently enrolled in Weight Watchers and have lost 13 pounds (my original weight was 210 pounds) in 6 weeks. I know I can do this --- I know I can make a change and can do the work to finally get where I want to be.

Currently, I weigh 197 pounds, wear a size 16 pant, and I am busting out of a 38D bra. I would like to weigh 130 pounds, wear a size 6 pant, and have much smaller breasts (these bad boys get in my way all the time). After a lot of research, I believe 130 is a completely acceptable and healthy weight for my height and body type.

So, now what? I will continue on Weight Watchers, which has been helpful so far. I will also be going to the gym frequently to ensure that I am staying active.

This is going to be a struggle. This is going to be an incredible challenge. But my 25^th birthday is in six days, and I want this year of my life to mean something. I want this year to be when I fought to feel sexy for my amazing husband. I want this year to be the time when I fought to get my mindset right for my future children. And I want this year to be the year I can look back on and say, "That was the year I changed my life."