March Madness. And No, I Am Not Talking About Basketball

It has been a month since my last post and lets be honest --- the last month has been madness.

My grandmother Collett passed away on March 6th. Danny and I flew back to Southern California on the first weekend of Spring Break for her funeral. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful chance to see the Collett family. If only it had been under different circumstances. While we were at home, I was able to see my friend's brand new baby, grab tacos with our best friends, and spend incredible quality time with the Collett family. 

The day after the funeral, Danny and I caught a flight from Los Angeles to NYC for our already planned Spring Break trip. We met up with Jordan and Cheyenne (Danny’s siblings), who drove up from the Naval Academy in Annapolis, and Jordan’s girlfriend Lauren, who flew in from California. It was a fantastic Spring Break. We stayed at an apartment in Brooklyn, celebrated Cheyenne's 19th birthday, and laughed---a LOT. I was even able to catch up with a friend from California who is currently doing her grad work at NYU!!

Danny and I flew home from New York on Thursday of Spring Break, and on Friday morning I left with Orientation for 3 days to attend the NODA Regional Conference in Terre Haute, where I presented an educational session and participated in the case study competition (which I won!). It was a really great experience, and I was able to begin developing relationships with the student leaders in that office. (And I bought some super dope Canada mittens!)

It was an amazing month. But now, it is the beginning of April, and I am still at 15 pounds lost. I have spent the last month floundering --- saying I was going to exercise, saying I was going to eat better, saying I was going to be the healthy person I want to be --- but not doing it. Weight Watchers was a great start for me, but I have decided to move on to a more intentional and intensive program.

On Monday I start a boot camp at Next Generation Personal Training and Fitness. A colleague of mine has lost 50-something pounds over the past few months going to their center and following their diet plan. She eats healthy, she exercises hard, and she has seen results. Now, it is my turn.

I thought it might be a good idea to get moving BEFORE my boot camp starts so I don’t look like a total fatty. Danny and I worked out with one of my RAs this week doing circuit training. All I will say is this: my fat ass is waaaay out of shape, and this boot camp is going to WORK ME OVER! Lets do this!

Oh, and one final note --- I completed the 30 Day Water Challenge successfully!! I didn’t have any Diet Coke for 40 days (I did more than the planned number of days to support my husband’s choice to stop drinking alcohol) and even now, I am still avoiding DC for the most part. My water intake has stayed high, not a gallon a day but well over 64 ounces. And I feel great.

I can’t wait to get moving on Monday! Wish me luck in my next steps!

5 Months - A Reflection on Life and Working with Students

Today marks five months since a student in my building committed suicide, and he has been on my mind regularly over the past few weeks. His name was Matthew and he died on September 28, 2011. I didn’t know him at all, but his death changed my life.

That day was probably the most traumatic experience I have ever had. I was dizzy and lightheaded and at certain points felt like I couldn’t breathe. I did everything I could, but he had been gone too long by the time I reached him. I sat for nearly an hour in a burning hot shower, just sobbing. It was horrible. It was absolutely the most horrible day of my life.

I don’t normally talk about my faith with many people. It has become deeply personal to me and I have had a lot of struggles. But during a serious bout of depression when I was younger, I came across a verse that has been a light to me during my darkest times.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

This verse brought me through times of self-doubt, of heartbreak and disillusionment, of fear, of suicidal thoughts, of worry, of feeling worthless and hopeless. Any time I have been able to step back and remember that I have a purpose, I have made it through whatever obstacle felt insurmountable.

Like all of the other young students that began college in 2011, Matthew had a full life ahead of him. But unlike most of those other students, he felt like his life was not worth living and chose to end it. My soul aches to know that there are other students I live and work with that feel the same way. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could make a list for them of all of the things in their lives that are worth living for. I wish I could show them my battle scars and let them know someone knows how they feel. I wish I could wrap them in my arms and kiss their wounds. 

Many people wouldn’t want to deal with the possibility of student deaths in their line of work. But I found that my passion for working with students increased substantially after Matthew’s death. The reality is that I can’t fix everything (I probably can't fix most things). But I can be intentional about the work that I do, about showing students that I interact with that they are valued, and loved, and that their lives have meaning. I have a purpose, and Matthew’s passing solidified that purpose --- his death changed my life. 

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

The past two days have been a reminder that changing my lifestyle is not as hard as it sounds... It's harder. There are moments when I feel healthier – like I am taking a step forward. My skin feels tighter and my jeans feel loose. My neck doesn’t feel as puffy. And then there are moments like today, where I revert to my default habits and take three incredibly delicious steps back.

ONE STEP FORWARD: I haven't had any Diet Coke in two days and I have been incredibly blessed to not have any headaches. I have been drinking what has felt like an obscene amount of water, but it has been far from my goal. 64oz Monday and 80oz Tuesday. While this is an amazing step in the right direction considering the fact that I never usually drink water --- EVER --- I am still frustrated by my inability to complete the challenge I have set for myself. Ultimately, I must come to the realization that it isn’t actually about drinking a gallon a day, but is instead about changing my habits to reflect better choices. And let me tell you, after pee-ing constantly all day long, I feel like a champ for drinking all that water.

Look at what a Champ I am!!!

 THREE STEPS BACK: Working in Student Affairs means working evenings with students. Students tend to show up to programs when food is provided, and oftentimes that food includes pizza, cookies, candy or all of the above. Last night, at an LGBT Panel Discussion put on by two RAs in my building, I was a little bit of a piggy. I knew I only had one Weight Watchers point left for the day. I knew I would regret my decision. And the moment I finished eating the third slice (yes, three – I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it is better to be truthful) I felt like a terrible person. Resisting temptation is my greatest weakness. I can usually steer clear of eating junk if I steer clear of junk. But when it is right there in front of me, flaunting its cheesy goodness and smelling all delicious, how can I resist?

The one amazingly good thing I can take away from my foodie faux pas is that I was eager to start anew today. My old reaction to a night of binge eating would be to assume that it was worthless to continue trying to be healthy and just keep eating. “Might as well really enjoy myself and start anew next week,” I would say. Well, NOT TODAY. Today I got right back on that horse. Today I took charge of the situation.

Maybe this shows that I am learning. Maybe this really is the start of a new me! My moment of indulgence on cheesy goodness wasn’t for nothing. I have to put in the work and suffer the consequence of those extra calories, but I also learned that I can take charge of my weight loss if I want to.

So maybe last night, there were only two steps back J